life is hard!

so, i have finally begun my quest for a healthier me. and on the way, i have found that my inside needs just as much work, if not more, than the outside.

brian and i joined 24 hour fitness. i don't like what i see in the mirror, and i felt that it just needed to change. we got the best deal there, plus they have a kids center and it is only 5-6 minutes away from the house. with the deal that we got came 6 hours of personal training... i had my first session thursday, but all we did was measuring and going over goals and stuff like that. later when i got home, i had to go online and answer a bunch of questions. anyway, to make a long story short, if i want to lose 2 pounds a week, which was my initial goal (of course, who wouldn't want to?) , i would only be able to eat 1000 calories a day. i don't know if any of you have tried to do that, but it is stinkin hard! especially when you're breastfeeding! anyways, after a day of that, i decided that i couldn't do it. we switched to 1 pound a week (1500 calories). as i was depriving myself, however, i came to some very not so good self conclusions: as a mom of 3 young ones who depend on me for every need, i have lost myself. i am able to do nothing that i enjoyed doing as a single person or young married without kids. i don't play basket ball, i can't sit and read a book. i can't enjoy a meal without little people eating half of it, i can't go away for long periods of time with my husband. even movies have become a rare occurance. this is not a woe is me. believe me, i love my kids more than anything (except brian!), and i can't imagine my life with out them. but what i realized is, that food, for me, was medication. it made me feel good. it is fun. i can sneak bites of cookies or chips when no one is looking (not having to share). now that is seemingly "taken" away from me too. now i am forced to face my insecurities, my selfishness, my loneliness, my boredom with the routine, head on.

sunday at church they played "more than enough". i just started balling. "all of you, is more than enough for, all of me, for every thirst, and, every need, You satisfy me with your love..." is He really enough? i haven't seen it that way lately. i can't remember the last time i cracked open my bible, except at church. i know that i need Him more than ever now, but i struggle in my free time, wanting to spend it my way, not his way. i hope that some day, i can say, "You are enough for me. i can put this food down, because i know i don't need it. i need You. " i'm not there yet, but now that my "medication" is being adjusted, i can start working on the real problem. my heart.

this is the first time i have ever done something like this. journaling, but even more so where others will read it. i hope that it will keep me accountable. and for you mothers out there, how do you do it? how do you find time and then take it to read and pray? love you guys, thanks for reading