well, i don't do this very often, but i wanted to blog a little of what i've learned this weekend. brian and i had the chance to go to a marriage conference at gateway church by drs. gary and greg smalley (father and son). it was so awesome! and it really opened up my eyes to why i have been feeling the way i have. i wanted to blog about it because i heard that if you write notes on something, if you read them over or explain them to someone else soon after you took them, you remember them much better. anyways, it was fascinating stuff.
he started out with the lie of satan: if i could change my spouse, financial situation, surroundings, children, etc, i would be a happier person.
then he stated the truth: you are as happy as the beliefs that you have in your heart.
your beliefs are either true or false. just because you believe it, doesn't make it true. if you believe that rich people are happier, you will not be happy if you are poor, even though rich people are not happier! does that make sense? this also applies to marriage- if you believe that your husband doesn't love you, you will not be happy, even if he loves you intensely. these lies will come out in your relationships by your actions. the bible says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. what you believe determines your heart, and out of your heart flows words and actions.
i know that this seems like a simple concept. but when i think about all the times i get irritated with people, or my husband, or my children, and either i say a bad word, or i raise my voice, or i get upset, i am having now to think about what do i believe about that situation? YOUR BELIEFS DETERMINE WHAT YOU THINK, FEEL, AND DO. dr. smalley said that all irritation is in you. God does this so that you can see the logs in your own eye before you try to take out the speck in your brother's eye. if you get irritated, it is your problem! something in your heart is wrong! when i get upset with someone, the only thing that i can control in that situation is me and myself. i cannot change the other person, i cannot change the situation. my new goal is to respond, not react. and how am i going to do this? i have to change many beliefs that i have had since i was young. i have to replace the lies that i believe with what the word of God says. i have to memorize and meditate upon these verses, and the more you think it, the deeper it goes into your heart. the deeper it goes into your heart, it forms beliefs, and again, those beliefs control your words and actions.
ok, so then one of the other major lessons i learned about is what dr. greg smalley calls the fear dance. this dance is done by every one in every relationship, but is particularly damaging to the marriage relationship.
-it starts out when an emotional button is pushed. we all have them!! a few of mine would probably be: feeling unloved, feeling controlled, not being validated, etc.
-you then react; usually your reaction tends to be one of your mates emotional buttons.
-your mates buttons are then pushed, and then they react. which of course usually tends to be one of your buttons!
this cycle is then repeated over and over.
the four most destructive "reactions" are:
1. withdrawal (retreating, shutting down, stuffing)
2. escalation (increasing energy of conflict)
3. belittling of the other person
4. negative beliefs (whatever you believe about the other person, you will find evidence of that belief in everything he says or does)
what makes this dance so deadly? when we start dancing, we become adversaries. this makes us feel unsafe. when we feel unsafe in the relationship, our hearts will close and we will disconnect.
How to get out of the dance? what can i do?
1. take the plank out of your own eye. take personal responsibility for what you are saying/doing. (when your buttons get pushed, create space so that you can do something to get your heart open.)
2. identify your buttons. (give your heart a voice. ask why you are feeling this way? then validate those feelings, allow your feelings to matter. you can be curious about those feelings, where did they come from?)
3. then, take those feelings to the Lord. ( the goal is to get your heart open. ask the Lord what to do with your emotions. you need your heart and your brain to make "safe" decisions.)
4. manage your emotions. (think about what a healthy reaction would be while you breathe deeply, stretch, listen to music, etc. )
GOAL: deal with you first- get your heart open, so that you can respond (not react!) to the other person!
in a marriage, there is no win/ lose. you are on the same team!! if someone wins and someone loses, you both lose, because you are on the same team!
ok, i think this is enough for now. this was so incredibly difficult for me! it is so hard for me to write what i am trying to learn and do in a way that is understandable to others, so i hope this all made sense.
and i was thinking to see if any of you would like to start memorizing a few of the verses that dr. smalley suggested with me. we can begin renewing our minds together and replacing some of the negatives in our lives with the word of God, so that our hearts and minds will be that of the mind of christ!! ok, here are the ones that he suggested we start with...
romans 5:3-5, 8:28
james 1:1-5
1 thesalonians 5: 16-18
philippians 4:6-9
galatians 5:13-14
i guess i'll start at the top, with romans 5:3-5. " and not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
ok, now i'm done!! love you guys......
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6 comments:
Preach it, sister! That's awesome stuff. And, it sounds alot like some of the stuff I've learned in the past year. I'll be with you on the memorization. Romans it is!
That's really great stuff Carleigh! Brian and I had the chance to go to a "mini marriage conference" this weekend too! It was great for us, and I'm excited to put the things we learned into practice.
I love Gary Smalley and have his Understand Your Man book!!! Those are great points!!! It's something that we always have to be reminded of!!! Thanks for sharing! I want to go to a marriage conference!!! ;) I'll be with you on the memorizing too!!! ;)
Carleigh, you expressed everything perfectly. And I was actually extremely encouraged by what you shared. Not necessarily with my relationship with Adam, but another relationship in my life. That particular person stirs up so much anger every time I have to interact with her... I hate to say that, but in my heart of hearts, it is true. This person is so hurtful and horrible, but you're right in the sense that my reaction is my control... not hers. Thank you for sharing! I hope you guys had a great time together. I love you!
This is awesome!
I'm so glad you shared!
Hey Carleigh,
I linked over from the bargain shopper lady's blog :o) Thank you so much for sharing. It really hit home when you shared about "the dance". Wow, I needed to read this especially during this time in my marriage. I know I need to deal with "me" first. Sometimes we wonder why we have to go through some challenges in our lives but I really think it's because God is going to use what we go through to pull someone else out of what they are going through. So, thank you for sharing an encouraging word.
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